Trail of Hope

Lately there's been some dark feelings in my life. The valleys through which I've been traveling have a good destination. That I know, but the road of Doubt, which is where I've been hanging out for the last couple of months led me to a lot of time sitting down and looking up at the tops of smoke black canyons; wondering how I was ever able to get up there and if I remember how beautiful it was to look down at this valley and through it.

I also spent a lot of time wondering if I'm ever leaving. I sat and waited and embraced the cold. I didn't want to get up and go because it was easier to say I got lost. Died trying. Oh well. The journey was too hard. When I tried to just let go and to let myself sink into the quicksand below me, the pain was too great, and here's what came of if:

Before the advent of vehicles and flying machines, starting a journey was a life-altering decision. People traveled for months or even years crossing through deserts, and snow, and wars. When someone left for travels, you  didn't know if you'd ever see them again. Ever. Goodbyes were forever. If a father left for war he'd often come back to find grown children and distant wife. No Wi-Fi, no Skype, not even  a broken up telephone call.

That ancient travel is what my journey through life feels like and I've walking through the road of Doubt at the lowest and most trying point of my valleys of darkness. This road is set in stones made of the past. It's where we go to look back and think we lost it, made mistakes, made wrong choices, can't escape and worse, there's no other way, there's no way out. The road of Doubt is also the road of self-criticism and not of the constructive kind. In the middle of mine I found some acceptance and with that thought I was reminded that mistakes and what ifs didn't matter.

That was the sign pointing to Hope. Once I turned to the dirt trail of Hope  (it's not a magnificent paved road, sorry), I sat down and was able to see that the journey I've completed so far with its struggles and perceived lack of rewards, has been beautiful. I should be proud of myself instead of beating myself up for not doing enough, or not being enough. Up until this point, if I am not yet at the apex, if I am only conquering one small leg of my trip, I should still be happy and ready, because the future journeys may demand more sacrifice and letting go. They will demand more Faith and Trust and Hope. If I can't hold on to Hope now, I'll be in trouble later.

Besides that, I also realized that in the journey is where I will find myself. Sitting around and thinking "Who am I?, Who am I really and deeply, and truly?" is almost a futile exercise, that's for yuppies. Doing, going, experimenting, testing, and following your heart, and fighting when you're in the dark, that's what answers the question. I expect it  will be a grueling discovery.

So, I went back to gratitude exercises yesterday as part of my fight to focus on the light. It's the second day only and I already feel it help me wake up focused on the small white light, on the trail I must travel.

Here's todays:
Today, I'm thankful for waking up feeling the waves of inspiration, again.
I'm thankful for the beautiful people in my life, who hold me up and check up on me and tell me I am so when I don't feel it.
I'm thankful for the ability to write. I've been furiously writing;

and for Internet, because now I have no excuse but to edit and send out material that has been collecting dust.

Hope, Faith and Trust is my wish for you today too.