If I Died Today.

If I Died Today

I would be happy and I hope you would too. If died today I would leave this world content. I don’t have my shit together, not at all. I am in between as usual. I am working towards, as always. But if I died today my bases are covered: The kids know I love them, I tell them so much every single day that they repeat it with the drawn out kid-speak of “we know, you love us” or the usual sigh when I say “guess what?!” Only to be followed by another 100^th bout of I love you for the day if they don’t fill it in first. I hug them enough. I kiss them enough.

 So if I died today I know I gave them all my love, every chance I got. Maybe I didn’t get to spend all the time I would with them. Maybe I was being a mom and “being mean.” But love?; that I gave enough of. If I died today what they remember should be good, so I’d be happy. The rest is irrelevant when I am dead. Will they forget? What will I miss? If anything I’ve seen is the universe will work it all out with the imprint you leave, or without.

If I died today I would be happy and I hope you would be too. If I died today I would leave this world at peace. I know my family knows I live my life to the best and the fullest every day. I’ve quit my job and gone to yoga, I’ve gone out on Sunday nights and gone to woken up to work Monday mornings. So I hope they’d have no regrets and no words left unsaid, because I don’t. I hope they’d know I enjoyed my every day. I hope they’d have comfort in the fact that I missed out on nothing, and I put an exclamation at the end of always every day all the time and I always loved them even when I disagreed, or didn’t pick up my phone or told them it was easy not to give a crap about some people or somethings and drama and be happier that way.

If I died today I would be joyful and I hope you would be too. As my friends, I would hope you know I appreciated you. I saw you, I cherished you, I gave thanks for you and every crossing of our paths was moment that shaped me. You were all my teachers and life was better because of you.

If I died today I could only die happy as I feel because I know I did some good, today and yesterday, not to perfection, but to the best I could manage then. I made mistakes but I tried not to dwell and just to learn how to improve from there. If I died today I would die knowing I lived a purposeful life and lined my thoughts and actions with the stars. I laughed and danced and did dangerous things and safe things and took risks and loved and hurt and cried and mourned and learned and explored and worked hard and served and fell and laughed again. I took my breaths towards the sky and the light. I did yoga in the dark of the moon light. I held the fire both in my heart and in the palm of my hand. I shone my heart with fear and courage. I kept my feet on the hard solid earth where I am headed back, and it held me when I was unsteady and it will hold me when I am scattered ashes, when dead. 

If I died today I would want you to dance. I would ask you to close your eyes and feel your soul and let yourself go and hang, suspended, in the place where the world of body and the world of spirit meet; and smile. If when you open your eyes you take a breath just a little bit deeper or with a little more happiness, or you give an extra kiss, or flip someone off one less time on the road; then you honor me, and you honor yourself and everyone who has been here and left.

So make your own peace, pick your battles, take a nap and have some tea this afternoon. Talk to a friend, sing in the car or in the shower. Dance in the elevator. Smile to a stranger. Go to bed knowing you loved and made a difference in someone’s life. Thank for every day. Time here is fucking short and all I can hope for you is that if you died today, you would die happy too and you cuss a little today too. Every body should. 

If you died today I shall dance for you anyways, maybe have a little whisky too. Cheers! For what you brought to me and to those you loved and for all the good you were. Cheers for all your mistakes and for being free while you were here and now there, wherever or nowhere, who cares. I would celebrate, and then I’d take a deep breath and kiss mine more today.